OOPS!

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”

THE 18^TH HOLE

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer. His friend says, “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies, “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.

HOW CUTE

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead; I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

WHAT’S UP DOC?

A man goes to see doctor.
“What seems to be the problem?”
“Well Doc, it’s really sort of embarrassing.”
“That’s okay sir, I’ve been a doctor for 25 years, and I’ve seen it all.”
So the man pulls down his pants and out pops his orange penis.
“What the?!” the doctor exclaims as he inspects it closely.
“Do you think you can help me doctor?”
“I don’t know, I’ve honestly never seen anything like this before.”
“Tell me” the doctor continues, “Does anyone else in your family have this?”
“I don’t think so” replied the man.
“Hmmm, do you work with any chemicals at work?”
“I don’t work; I’m retired” replied the man.
“Tell me what you spend your days doing then. Perhaps we can figure out how it got this way.”
“Well,” replied the man. “I just sit around the couch mostly, watching pornos and eating Cheetos.”

JOKE OF THE MONTH

A radio station plays a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called “Mate Match.” The DJ calls someone at work and asks if they are married or seriously involved with someone and asks 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. Here’s how one particular game went down:
DJ: Hey! Have you ever heard of Mate Match?
Contestant: (laughing) Yes, I have.
DJ: Great! Then you know we’re giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please.
Contestant: Brian.
DJ: Brian, are you married?
Brian: Yes.
DJ: Now, what is your wife’s name? First only please.
Brian: Sarah.
DJ: Is Sarah at work, Brian?
Brian: She is going to kill me.
DJ: Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?
Brian: (laughing) Yes, she’s at work.
DJ: Okay, first question – when was the last time you had sex?
Brian: She is going to kill me.
DJ: Brian! Stay with me here!
Brian: About 8 o’clock this morning.
DJ: Atta boy, Brian. Question 2 – How long did it last?
Brian: About 10 minutes.
DJ: Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn’t at stake.
Brian: Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.
DJ: Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o’clock this morning?
Brian: Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks…
DJ: Uh huh…
Brian: ….and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.
DJ: Atta boy, Brian.
Brian: On the kitchen table.
DJ: Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I’ve done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife’s work number and call her up.

(touch tones… ringing…)
Clerk: Kinkos.
DJ: Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?
Clerk: This is she.
DJ: Sarah, we are live on the air right now and I’ve been talking with Brian for a a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away! Or you’ll lose. Sooooooo… do you know the rules of Mate Match?
Sarah: No.
DJ: Good!
Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.
DJ: Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian’s answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5days on us. Disney World, Sea World, and tickets to the Magic’s game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?
Sarah: (laughing) Yes.
DJ: Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?
Sarah: Oh God, Brian….uh, this morning before Brian went to work.
DJ: What time?
Sarah: Around 8 this morning.
DJ: Very good. Next question. How long did it last?
Sarah: 12, 15 minutes maybe.
DJ: Hmmmm. That’s close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We’ve got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?
Sarah: (laughing) Yes.
DJ: Where did you have it?
Sarah: OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn’t tell them that, did you?
Brian: Just tell him, honey.
DJ: What is bothering you so much, Sarah?
Sarah: Well, it’s just that my mom is vacationing with us and…
DJ: Come on Sarah… where did you have it?
Sarah: In the a s s…
(long pause)
DJ: Folks, we need to take a station break

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